Having A Period Feels Like A Cyclical Battle With Mine Own Body

*EDIT - I started writing this many moons ago, so it is now a compilation of emotions/feelings/thoughts across cycles :P

APRIL PERIOD

It is a Tuesday, I have plans to get dinner at a friend’s in a few hours. My entire torso is cramping and has been for the past 6 days. This discomfort is making me question whether I should leave the house. I can’t categorize this as ‘pain’ bc, for some reason, it does not feel appropriate. My period is not going to start for at least 3 more days. I will then bleed for 5-8 days. It’s like my body is sick and desperately trying to expel something. Which ig it is fr fr. That’s so crazy ! The shredded lining of an empty uterus. It does feel like a punishment (Eve, I know that’s not true). A punishment for an unfertilized egg, to b discarded !

It’s like I forget what the pain actually feels like until it happens again. A strange feeling that I can’t rightfully describe unless it’s happening. But I can remember how it leaves me feeling, unsettled and sweaty and cold and with the horrible sensation that something is tearing away at me.

I dread when my life overlaps with my period. This weekend, I am traveling states away. This weekend, I will not have the comfort of isolation and pitiful stomach clutching and a space to writhe. I listened to a trans man online (@sydneybaloue on tick tok) talk abt his experience going from having a period for 17 yrs vs no longer having one. He spoke abt now living with “no interruptions from [his] body”, as opposed to his years of having a menstrual cycle, describing that time as being “used to not being in control of [his] body.” (Of course, with the nuance of chronic illness etc in mind.) This was such an interesting perspective to hear, and it was kinda infuriating. I was jealous.

Lately I have been keeping track of my cycle, marking on my calendar w lil red xs the days I bleed. I thought I was going crazy noticing the duration of feeling ‘normal’ shrinking. I’ve kept track, and I’ve been experiencing period-level cramping up to a week & a half before I first bleed, and a week or so after. That leaves a week without interruption. One week of the month where my body isn’t in deep discomfort. My breasts grow increasingly tender and my abdomen swells and my uterus contracts for 10 days, and then I bleed, all symptoms persisting. Fatigue pulls at every fiber and a horrible gloom leaves me aching. What the !!!

I got my first period the morning my family and I were set to drive 14 hours for our first real vacation. We were going to the beach ! It was 4 AM and I was 15 years old. I found myself terrified on the toilet, finally seeing the blood leak from me that I had heard abt since I was 8. I cried to my mom; I was scared and mad. I wanted to go in the ocean ! I had never seen the ocean. I wanted to enjoy myself, and have fun and play with my brothers ! I recall the tone of her voice, as if I was a silly girl for thinking those things weren’t possible. She tried to explain tampons to me. I recall not quite understanding how something like that was supposed to go inside me. (to b honest, I don’t think I even quite understood penetrative sex at that point) I sobbed as I was unsuccessful trying to insert a tampon. It hurt and I was frustrated.

MAY PERIOD

I am now writing later, in the throes of another cycle. This one was nearly a week late. I bloated and bloated leading to the day I FINALLYYY bled. Bloat to the point my pants do not fit right and my stomach protrudes uncomfortably. By the third day I was shitting sooooooooo much, and my stomach returned to normal, ish; at the very least, my pants fit ! HAHA

Like ew girl talking abt poop !

This part, this absolute expulsion (! lol) feels like a cleanse. It pisses me off. Pisses me off that it seems like my abdomen is in a type of retention stasis until my period comes again. It annoys me that my body does this to me. Annoys me that drs tell me that it is all simply a fact of the matter. What !! It doesn’t feel right.

None of it feels right, or fair. Blah blah life isn’t fair.

But it all feels simply soooo unfair. A constant battle, a constant headache !

POST MAY PERIOD

I am sure I will have more to say, may just repost this or edit or add to as I have more feelings to get out haha.